Category Archives: Raising Independent Thinkers

The Challenging Art of Communication

19 Wednesday Mar 2014

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“Just a minute.”  “Hold on, I’ll be right there.” “I have to finish something first.” “Not now, I’m in the middle of something.” I wonder how often these are the first words to come to my lips when our kids want my attention?

Now, I am not one to believe that I need to be at the immediate beck and call of our kids.  In actual fact, I believe that children need to understand that parents have interests and responsibilities that do not necessarily revolve around them. (I mean, how would it serve them to believe that the world revolves around them – when in fact it does not.)  There are many areas of my life that warrant my attention and I feel it is important that our kids respect that and the boundaries I set.  At the ages of 8 and 10, they are mature enough to understand this.  I want them to see me as a separate and unique individual – with my dreams, goals and aspirations – partly because I want them to grow up strong in their own individuality, and partly because I want to make a difference in the world that extends further than our immediate family.  By taking care of myself and setting respectful boundaries, I hope to be a positive role model for them.

However, there is a fine line between setting my personal boundaries and allowing myself to be so absorbed in my own activities that my kids are left out.  I never want them to feel that they are second in my life.

I recently read a blog that deeply resonated with me.  It was about a child who wanted to be truly seen; seen for more than his imperfections; for more than the ways that he pushed his mom’s buttons.  In his child’s perception, his mom only noticed all of his faults, and he was not important enough for her to disengage from her busy life to stop and let him be the focus of her undivided attention.

Truly, it was a story about our human need to be loved.  From a child’s perspective, it is really as simple as their desire for us to stop what we are doing and tune in to them as they stand before us.  To focus more often on their strengths than their shortcomings.  To acknowledge that those things that make their young hearts sing with joy are important, and worthy of our attention.

It is, in fact a primal requirement to feel that we are seen, heard, and valued -and ultimately to know that we matter in this world. 

While reading this blog, I felt as if I was on the verge of breaking down inexplicably in tears.  On the one hand, it’s always been a conscious effort of mine to truly see my kids, to listen to them, to get down at their level, to look them in the eye.  I do my best to turn off my phone, not be distracted, and to let them know that their time, their opinions, their feelings and their stories matter to me.

Unfortunately, however, I think this blog touched a chord inside – one of sadness and guilt for all of the times that I didn’t do that.  There have been so many times that I was stressed out, or tired, or had too many things to do.  So many times that I was distracted and my child was left feeling that ‘mommy didn’t see’, or ‘mommy didn’t listen‘, or worst of all –  that ‘mommy didn’t care.’

In recent weeks,  Audra has taken to imploring me: “Mommy, listen to me!” and she shows her frustration when she thinks that I am not, usually with an emphatic stamp of her foot.  Or she has told me:  ‘Mommy, you always make me wait!” Or she fairly growls with anger if I interrupt before she’s finished speaking. (This happens far more often when I’m in the company of other adults). “Mommy, I get so frustrated!!“

Finally those messages are starting to get through. Perhaps the sun does not rise and set on her (despite her most sincere efforts) –  but what message am I sending to our kids about their own self worth if they feel that I always have better things to do than to listen to them?

The bottom line is this: In our family, we are committed to letting every member of our household have a voice.  There is no topic that is taboo.  We strive to provide a safe place for us to communicate the full range of our opinions, thoughts and emotions – as long as it is done with respect.  And what I realize is that as of late, I have not been as respectful of my kids’ communication as I would like to be.

When they were much younger, it was easier in a way – because they needed my attention and supervision for everything.  The idea of focusing on anything else when they were home was absurd.  But now – there are times that I am home and they are outside playing, entertaining themselves, or spending time with friends – and I am free to do other things.  I can write a blog, prep a meal, read a book – or any variety of activities.  The time and space buffer that used to exist has blurred.

So I think I need to have some new awareness of how to more appropriately set my boundaries, plan my time, and maintain the open lines of communication we wish to keep with our kids.

For starters, I am taking note of how many times I say “Just a minute” or “I’m too busy” or “I’ll be right there” (and then let an unacceptable amount of time pass before I follow through).  

I am taking note of the times that I’m only half listening because I’m into something else.

Maybe I don’t need to drop everything every minute to attend to our kids’ needs – however I think I need to put more awareness into how often I let the unimportant things take precedence over the most important: the amazing human beings – our kids –  who are standing right in front of me.

As for Audra – we came up with a signal for her to give when her feelings are being hurt.  Yes, her volatile feelings may be easily bruised – but I’d rather be aware of when and how my actions may unintentionally do so.  Now, if her feelings are hurt, she signals my awareness by patting her heart two times.  So far, this simple communication tool has worked wonders.  It catches my attention so that I can course-correct when and if appropriate.  And on her end, she feels heard again.  IMG_2392

Yes, I became a mom on purpose.  I chose this challenging job.

I am committed to being the most conscientious, inner-directed, living-in-the-moment mother that I know how to be.

It certainly doesn’t always comes easy.  As a matter of fact, in my experience, this might be one of the hardest parts about being a parent.

I don’t doubt that we will have many other challenges over the years as we navigate the waters of parenthood and communication within our household.  (With four strong personalities under one roof, I expect we’ll face many bumps along the way.)  And while I know we may be far from perfect, one thing I know for sure is that we are committed to doing the best we can as parents to help our children to know that they are the most important people in the world to us, that their thoughts and feelings are always valued in our home, and that they always – always – matter.

Top 9 Tips to Feed your Family Well

19 Sunday Jan 2014

Posted by in Creating Health, Eating by Design, in8 Mama: Deviating from the Mainstream, Raising Independent Thinkers

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“Mom, I’m really glad you’re a chiropractor.  But I wish I could eat the same foods as everyone else.  It’s not really fair, you know.”  This was Audra’s comment to me yesterday as we were driving, following her question of why I don’t agree with the Canada Food Guide.  “I’ve have studied the human body and nutrition for years,” I answered. “I have different information about food and health, and it often leads us to make different choices for our family.”

Her comments were not a surprise to me, as I’m aware that both our kids sometimes wish I didn’t have quite such strong feelings about our food choices.  But before I could say anything, she finished her thought with an observation that negated the need for me to say much of anything else: “But you know”, she pondered, “We really don’t get sick all the time like everyone else.”

So instead of launching into a long, detailed discussion of nutrition, all I had to do was acknowledge that I heard her, and remind her of what I believe to be true: “Feeding you well is part of my ‘mom job’ – to love you, keep you safe and keep you healthy.”

That ended the conversation, but not the never-ending journey of feeding our family well.  We work hard to buy quality foods from as many local sources as possible.  Our staples are meat and veggies, fruit, nut & seeds, full-fat dairy and healthy fats.  We avoid /minimize processed foods, packaged meals, sugar, gluten, breads & pastas – all because we want to fuel our family with the most nutrient-dense foods, and to help them develop a taste for real food.   We want them to understand how essential their food choices are to their health and wellbeing, as well as to their growth and performance in school and in sports – and in life in general.

And yet, our dedication to healthy eating is another way that we do things against the grain (no pun intended).  While we are far from the only families that eat this way, it certainly is not how most people approach food. (or what is recommended by Health Canada, unfortunately)  Sometimes this can be hard, especially since we don’t want to make our kids feel so different that they feel weird or left out.  And we don’t want to be so rigid that they rebel completely as they get older and even more independent.

The truth is that some days it would be easier to be blissfully unaware of all the information we have.  Some days it would be easier to throw a package in the microwave.  Or make a sandwich for lunch. Or go through a drive through for dinner.

But at the end of the day, easier isn’t what drives us.  We want to give our kids the best chance possible at vibrant, lifelong health – plus an understanding of how smart their bodies are and how incredibly amazing they are.

Over the years, we’ve faced quite an evolution with this.  Admittedly, my own understanding of nutrition has changed over the years as well – which means that the choices we made years ago differ from the ones we make now.  Both in my practice and in our home, I’ve had to admit to my past mistakes, while explaining that with new information, we make new choices.

When our kids were younger, in many ways it was easier because we were involved in every food that passed their lips.  We were present at every party and social event.  We could ‘ok’ anything they ate at school and they were too young to spend time at friend’s houses without one of us being there.  It was easy to oversee it all.

But as they’ve gotten older, there are many more times that they are not with us.  And just as I’ve found with virtually every parenting issue, as they gain more independence, we have to accept that they are going to be in many situations to make decisions where we will not be present. 

So as parents, we have to put our trust in them, and in the job we have done in teaching them WHY we make the choices we do.  (When this comes to food, I know I will cringe at times to hear what they may eat elsewhere, but I know that I am already losing some control of that.)  And as with every parenting issue, we have to ask ourselves if we’ve done the best we can to provide them with a solid foundation for making their own choices and hope (trust) that with this securely in place, more often than not their choices will be made in their best interest.  (Let’s get real here – we’re talking about food, but I feel the same about how they will fare with situations in the coming teen years like drinking & drugs, sex, and handling all manners of potentially challenging situations.)

So other than our recurring conversations about health and food – and an understanding of WHY we avoid certain foods, like junk food, processed foods, bread, and heaps of sugar – we’ve had to come up with ways to get our kids on board with our choices.  Here are a few that have helped:

1 – We teach them how amazing their bodies are.  Our two foundational statements have always been “My body is smart.”  and “I am amazing.” We teach them how foods affect their bodies and their brains – and explain how that relates to every aspect of their life: from school, sports, learning, energy, growing, creativity, to simply being the best they can be.

2  – They help plan meals. I often throw out suggestions of what I might make that week and get feedback from them if there is anything they’d like to add.  We try new recipes, look at cooking books or websites together, or pick out new things in the grocery store.

3 – They help out in the kitchen. Whether it’s making scrambled eggs for breakfast, whipping up a batch of guacamole, or chopping veggies for dinner that night, Ethan and Audra are frequent sous-chefs in our household.  Ethan often talks about the possibility of being a chef – and if his love of eating is an accurate measure, this would be a great example of following a passion for him.  (Although he did ask me the other day if I would be upset if he made meals I didn’t think were healthy.  To which I responded – “No, I just would choose to eat the ones that were.”  And that satisfied him, although I’ll admit that I hope he follows our lead.)

4 – We give them choices.  While I refuse to make separate meals for our different taste buds, we do try at most meals to have at least 2 different veggie choices, and they have to have a helping of at least one.  Salad or asparagus.  Cauliflower or carrots.  (Our love of organic butter does help, as they will eat more vegetables when they are tossed in butter with a sprinkle of salt.)  And as parents, we eat it all, too!

5 – They have to try everything but we don’t force them to eat anything.  This has lead our kids to try lots of new foods, spices and flavours.  At ages 8 & 10, they both love sushi, thai food, indian cuisine and are game to experiment wonderfully.  I’ve gotten better over the years at choosing new recipes – but sometimes I have a back-up plan in place just in case my experiment is a flop.  (like last week’s spaghetti-squash casserole – which I served as one of several side-dish options amongst leftovers… just in case.  For the record, it was eaten by everyone, but not in large quantity.  Had I gone about this differently, I think I would have had some hungry and cranky kids later in the evening.  As it went, I enjoyed an easy addition to my breakfasts and lunches in the following days.)

6 – We set ‘rules’ for when we ease up on our normal habits.   Like after Hallowe-en, when for one week the kids get to pick 2 things a day for their lunch bags.  Or how they can eat what they want at a friend’s house – but draw the line at drinking pop. Or how they devoured their great-grandma’s perogies while in Edmonton, but avoided (or minimized) their consumption of bread.

7 – We look for healthier versions of foods they want.  This has lead to many baking experiments (which is not my forte) as Audra loves muffins and they both have somewhat of a sweet tooth.  Or like Ethan’s request to make eggs benedict – in which I substituted the english muffin for biscuits made with almond flour. (Next time I’m trying potato ‘pancakes’ instead).  Or along this line, I add pureed vegetables into many of our meals and sauces – like kale into virtually every sauce, meatball or soup!)

8 – We use the natural consequences of eating poorly to help them notice how they feel when they eat ‘off track’.  Ethan has had several experiences with this one, including a history of throwing up almost every time he has had a pop.  (While unpleasant to clean up, it’s more effective in helping him avoid pop than hearing me nagging in his head!)  And Audra will often get tummy aches and feel ‘yucky’ if she eats too much sugar, or eats bread while at friends’ houses.

It’s a little ironic to me to think that one of the most basic necessities of life – FOOD – can come with so much challenge as well as joy.  I know how hard it can be to feed a family well.  I know how confusing it can be to read so many conflicting views on nutrition.

This is what has worked so far in our home.  It takes time, commitment, planning and patience.  But just like we tell our kids – our reason WHY:  their lifelong health and wellbeing – makes it so incredibly worthwhile.

“I believe in fairies…”

10 Sunday Nov 2013

Posted by in Fully expressed, Musings of a Manic Mama, Raising Independent Thinkers

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A few weeks ago Audra lost another tooth. And as a dedicated believer in all things magic – in her 8-year-old world, the Tooth Fairy continues to visit.

Don’t get me wrong – she has been around other kids (non-believers) for several years, and has obviously been presented with the notion that parents play the roles of magical entities like the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus.  But our think-for-herself little girl has decided that she still believes.  And we’ll leave it at that.  As I stated in an earlier blog, I consider this to be a choice in believing that all things are possible.  Which to me is one thing that is severely lacking in our world – and a spirit that we choose to keep alive and well in our household.

As for the Tooth Fairy, I have to admit my repeated guilt in going to bed on a ‘tooth fairy night’ without giving it another thought.  But it came crashing back in the morning, when I was faced (yet again) with a concerned-looking little girl because she didn’t find anything under her pillow.  I sent her back in to look, while quietly rummaging in my purse for some change to slip under the pillow – planning yet again to make up for the tooth fairy’s tardiness.  And with a shout of joy upon finding the toonie that ‘somehow’ ended up under the other pillow on side of her bed, I thought I was in the clear.

But no.  Not this time.  “Mommy, why doesn’t the tooth fairy ever take my teeth?”, she asked.  “I don’t know”, I answered, “Does it matter?”

“Yes.” Audra stated emphatically.  “I’m going to write the Tooth Fairy a letter so that she comes back and takes my tooth.”

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“I really believe in you and if you don’t come and take my tooth and note I will be sad for the rest of my life.”

Ok.  So now the stakes were high.  Her note went right to my heart, and there was no way I was missing this one.  It’s one thing to slip a toonie into her bed with her there – but quite another for her to wake up to see her note still there, untouched.  So in I slipped on Night Two to take her tooth and the tooth fairy’s letter.  But the hard part was yet to come.

On Night Three when I was tucking her into bed, she started at me with the unrelenting questions:  “Mommy, did you take the letter?”  “Mommy, I know you took it.”  “Mommy, did you take my tooth?” “Tell me the truth.”  “I want to know.”

With repeated and incessant questioning, I felt like I was being interrogated. And after ten minutes of denying and deflecting her questions, I started to question myself.  Was I insulting her intelligence to continue along this line?  Was she truly asking me for the truth, and I was failing her by continuing with a facade? And so I took a deep breath, and answered her repeated questions with my own: “Do you really want to know?”  “YES!” she said decidedly.  (And even then I hesitated)  “Isn’t it more fun to believe?” I tried.  “I WANT TO KNOW.” she replied.

And so I did it.  I told her “Yes, I took the letter you wrote the Tooth Fairy, and the tooth you left with it.”  I held my breath, wondering what she would say.  And it was awful.  She crumbled – she cried like her heart was broken.  When Dean came in to see what was going on, she cried to him that I took her letter and tooth, and I felt even worse.  With guilty ache in my chest, I left the room, leaving Dean to deal with our distraught daughter.

Fortunately, Dean and I are on the same page when it comes to these matters.  We want our kids to believe that all things are possible.  Especially if those beliefs give them a sense of wonder and amazement.   We feel that our kids have a very firm grasp of reality – and that a little dose of magic adds to their lives.

As for me – do I believe in fairies?  Yes.  I do.  I have never seen one.  I don’t know if they exist in this world.  Maybe once upon a time.  Maybe in another dimension.  Maybe they only live in our vivid imaginations.  But I do believe that thoughts are real, and that anything that we can imagine can exist.

And that’s exactly what we told her.  As for the situation at hand, I gave her back the tooth and the letter.  I admitted that I took it because I didn’t want her to be disappointed.  I told her that I didn’t know if the Tooth Fairy would come for it or not.

And this is what she wrote:

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I’m sure that we dealt with this differently than some parents would.  I’m also sure that we believe things differently than some people do (maybe most.)

We are truthful when we tell our kids that we live in a world of wonder and mystery – and that not all of life is explainable.  We feel it is a choice to believe in things that we cannot see or touch or even prove.  For us, it is simply an exercise in keeping our minds open to all possibilities.

I think we all left this experience fulfilled.  Ultimately, we were giving Audra the option to choose what she wanted to believe.  And I, for one, am glad that she chose to believe in magic.

“Describe yourself as a mother…”

30 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by in Fully expressed, Life Lessons, Raising Independent Thinkers

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I just watched this video from Upworthy.  A simple video where moms were asked to describe themselves as a mother – followed by videos of what their kids had to say about them.  I was tearing up before the kids even began to speak; I knew that the deep truth of how hard we are on ourselves as parents was going to be poignantly revealed by the words of their kids.

One of the reasons I started this blog in the first place was because of this.  Because of the multitudes of conversations in my family practice over the years, combined with my own challenges in being a mom – and the common thread of how moms are so, so hard of themselves.  And just like you, I am a work in progress.

After all, what ‘job’ could be more important?  (or more time-consuming, emotionally involved, or world-view-altering?) What an honour it is to have these beautiful young people to love, to teach, to learn from, and to fill up our hearts and our lives.  I cannot fathom my life without my kids.  Without their laughter, insights, quirky personalities, never-ending questions, and glorious hugs.  The frustrations, challenges, and learning opportunities may be constant – but they are still overshadowed wonderfully by the magical moments.

And yet, when I watched this video and saw how the moms began by focusing on all of their shortcomings, a particular incident came to my mind.  It was a brutally honest observation Ethan made to me several weeks ago.  It was during our bedtime talk after a particularly frustrating evening – a night where I felt like someone must have hit the mute button on my voice, because NO ONE was doing what they were supposed to do.  NO ONE acknowledged my requests to clean up, get ready for bed, brush their teeth (etc) – and there I was, feeling like a drill sergeant… but a completely incompetent, and disrespected one.  For me, on nights like these, with my mental resources tapped out, I seem to lose the ability to approach these non-working situations from a new perspective.

Demand, harp, nag – and then repeat louder.  (Not a strategy I recommend, as no one wins on this one, even if the outcome you are looking for is eventually reached.)

By the time the kids were finally done and in bed, I was emotionally drained – as were they.  Tucking Ethan in, I simply commented “That was not a very nice way to end our day.”  And I wasn’t placing blame – just stating a fact.  He nodded, looked me in the eye, and stated without any drama: “Mom, you know, the only place I ever feel miserable is at home.”  That one sentence was like a punch in the heart.  I could barely breathe for a second, as I swallowed back tears to look at him calmly, and acknowledge: “I believe you.”  A pause.  “Why do you think that is?”

He went on to say how most of the time he is happy when he is home.  And he acknowledged all the great time we spend together as a family.  “But,” he said, “It’s the only place where I sometimes feel like I can’t do anything right.”

All I could do was listen – I think the only thing I said for a while was the absolute truth: “That makes me feel very sad.”  The truth is that it made me so sad that even now, weeks later, it’s so raw to revisit that it’s difficult to even write about.

In my head, I could have justified (He’s being overly dramatic! He’s tired!).   

I could have made excuses (What do you expect –  no one would listen to me! I’m sure other parents yell sometimes.)

I could have disagreed with him (What are you talking about?  You are one of the happiest kids imaginable.  Look at the family life we have, what about all of the amazing experiences we give you?  You don’t know how good you have it!) .

But I couldn’t do that.

We have committed to having open, loving and supportive relationships in our home, and for us that also means making it safe to say things even when you know someone won’t want to hear them.  Sometimes when we know our kids have something they are hesitating to say, we need to gently encourage them: “It’s okay to say what’s on your mind.”  Even if they worry that what they are about to tell us may make us mad.  Or even if their words will make us sad.  It’s those things that we don’t want to hear that may in fact be the ones that most need to be said.  

By the end of this particular conversation, I told Ethan that I was glad he told me how he felt, and that Dean and I would talk about it.  And following a huge hug that was needed on both sides, that’s exactly what we did.

While we know that most of the time he is a wonderfully happy kid, obviously we don’t want him to feel miserable.  Ever.  (although, with teen years fast approaching, I sincerely doubt that that goal will be in our power to manage…)  For now,  all we could do was commit to being more mindful of how we are communicating in our home.  Kids to parents.  And parents to kids.

So, these thoughts were stirred up after watching that video.  I have my moments as a mom that are stellar.  And those that are not so hot.

And if I had to describe myself as a mother, I would say:

  • I am committed to being the most present, loving and authentic human being I know how to be – and that in my role as a mom, that commitment is the hardest one to fulfill.
  • I would say that I love being a mom, and that it is the most important part of my life, and the one that fills me up with the most love, joy, purpose and happiness.
  • I would say that most of the time I am fun-loving, playful, creative and fully engaged.
  • I would say that it’s taught me some of my less-pleasant traits – like being impatient, having high expectations, and that it’s a constant learning process.
  • I would say that I am grateful every day for every moment that I get to be a mom.  That my children are loved beyond words.  And that the fabric of my life is so much richer,  vibrant and alive because of it.

Guess what?  I’m not perfect.  And I’ll never try to be – especially as a mom.  

As for what my kids would say about me?  I don’t know for sure, but I have no doubt that it would swell my heart with happiness.  But the truth is, I feel it every time I hold them close to me in a hug.

And that’s all the proof I need.  We may all be imperfect.  But LOVE is PERFECT.   And we certainly have an abundance of that.

Body Image and Kids

25 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by in Raising Independent Thinkers, Thinking by Design, Women Empowered

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As a mom, there are a few things (many things) that concern me about the messages my kids will get from the world outside of our home.  That they need to look a certain way, dress a certain way, act a certain way, have certain things, or even think a certain way.  I for one completely agree with the mother I heard interviewed on The Wellness Family podcast yesterday:  sometimes I would like to stand like a shield between them and the world.

But while we may be able to choose what forms of media we welcome into our home (like not having cable, newspapers, magazines, or music videos) – they are still active participants in the world they live in.   They see movies, spend time with friends, and simply don’t live in a bubble.  And to be honest, I completely disagree with trying to fabricate an artificial ‘bubble world’ for our children to live in.  This is the world they have inherited;  how can we help them navigate through it?

This all was brought to test this week.  I cringed (quite significantly, albeit inwardly) when I saw the book Audra brought home two days ago from the school library: The Princess Handbook: Your Top Secret Guide to becoming a True Princess.

(With a part of me truly disgusted, I wondered yet again how I came to have such a ‘girly-girl’ daughter – a great irony for me as a self-professed tom boy growing up.  But then I simply reminded myself of all of her other wonderful strengths: she may love all things pretty, but she is also brave, smart, athletic and strong – and just like that, I’m back at peace.  No need to have a fit over a book.)

While I could have shown my initial gut reaction, I chose to sit back on this one and observe.  I had no problem letting her dress up for school yesterday – and I had to admit the ‘brush your hair 100 times’ suggestion made getting cleaned up for school that much easier.  However, after years of consciously teaching our children all of the ways they are wonderful both inside and out, I considered this book to be a test.  (and in my eyes, a very important one to pass.)

As parents, I see our job as being that of nurturing our children’s inner world – their self esteem, confidence and courage – so that they can be strong, resourceful human beings regardless of the junk (and fake images) that may pass as newsworthy in the world at large.

Concerns about body image certainly fall into this category.  (with body image defined as  being how you feel about how you look.)  I will admit that having a daughter brings with it unique concerns.  Although I know that boys have issues with this too, perhaps knowing the insecurities I had as an adolescent girl, I have long wondered how to best parent our children through this – especially Audra.

How can we circumvent the material world of unrealistic beauty expectations and unhealthy body images?  With it starting in toddlerhood with the need to navigate the childhood ‘princess’ stages where Disney reigns supreme, how can we minimize all of that programming to help her grow into a strong, confident teenager and woman?

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And as so often seems to be the case, most answers that occur to me point towards the  importance of who we are being as role models.

How do we speak in our home to our kids, about their traits, their body, their health, their strengths, or their challenges?  How do we speak about ourselves?  What is our own body image?  And ultimately – what kind of role model are we being?

Here is my ironic admission:  in my unabashed motherly bias, I find my daughter to be one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever seen.  And in her short 8 years, she has certainly heard her share of exclamations over how ‘cute’ she is, or how ‘beautiful’ she is.   And many of those come frequently from my own mouth.

However, we have made a concerted effort to teach our children consistently about inner beauty.  About being smart, kind, strong, courageous, thoughtful, creative.  About following their own inner guidance, trusting themselves, and standing up for what they believe.  So in this spirit, I am consciously aware of praising our children in ‘package deals’.  Beautiful and smart.  Pretty and kind.  Cute and strong.  Wonderful on both the inside and outside.  For me, it is simply the truth.

We try to focus on what they can do, and who they are being.  What new things they learned today, what challenges they overcame, what ways they helped other people.  How they are strong, healthy, fast, brave and athletic.  How they are smart, creative, thoughtful and interesting.

So while I feel a more in-depth conversation may be in order about what Audra is learning from this  book, at least part of my answer may have been found in her bedtime conversation with me last night.

As is our bedtime routine, every night I ask Ethan and Audra three questions:  What they did well, what they are grateful for, and what was their favourite part of the day.  She paused for a moment when I asked her what she was grateful for, then answered: “I’m grateful for being pretty…. and kind and smart and strong.”

And those are answers that I can certainly agree with.

(If you’re looking for some great listening material, check out www.thewellnesscouch.com  – a group of podcasts out of Australia that I was introduced to by a friend and colleague, and who happens to be one of the founders.  I have to say, it’s pretty fun to see friends who are making lots of waves in the world.)

Teamwork, Commitment, and Doing What Feels Right

23 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by in Raising Independent Thinkers, Thinking by Design

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The other night we ran into a dilemma.  Ethan came home from camp exhausted, saying he didn’t feel well – probably from a day of too much sun and huge amounts of activity.  And he didn’t want to go to his softball game.

Now, in my mind – when you join a team, you are making a commitment.  Your teammates depend on you to show up, play hard, cheer each other on, and to win or lose as a collective group.  I’m sure my many years of competing in soccer formed this as a strong belief for me.  And while I believed that he was tired, I didn’t believe that he was not well enough to go.  So in my mind, he didn’t have a choice in whether or not to go to the game.

But here I was, being faced with two things I don’t handle well:  a whiney child, and the idea of letting down people who are counting on us (him).  And knowing Ethan’s tendency for being dramatic, I’ll admit that I was not the nurturing, empathetic mom figure.  While I acknowledged that he didn’t feel great, and that I understood why that may be… I felt that he’d have to put on a brave face and go to the game regardless.

(Fortunately for Ethan, Dean stepped in to be a little more empathetic in the face of my tough love approach)

And so here I found myself:  annoyed as we rushed to get out the door, all the while to the sounds of him crying that he didn’t feel well.  And the truth was that I was exhausted… and my personal preference would be to stay home.  And I thought to myself: “He’s ten years old.  He is old enough to understand that if he doesn’t go to the game, he will be letting his team down… and I can let that be his choice.”  So I stopped in my tracks, took his face in my hands, and gave him the choice: stay home and lie down to rest, or go to the game.

And so with a hug, I found myself tucking him in with a book (while wondering how to get in touch with the coaches at this last minute).  We quietly went about our evening when only a few short minutes later he called out: “Is it too late to change my mind?”

So back into gear we went – arriving at the game field 5 minutes late, happily to find that the game had not yet started.  And then we discovered that in this playoff game against the number one team, we had just enough players to take the field.

Ethan was the clincher.  If he hadn’t shown up, his team would have had to forfeit.  (And I would have felt awful – as would he).  But in the turn of events, they played a fabulous game, and Ethan had one of the best games all year.  And they won.  They beat the unbeaten, number one team for the first time all year.

In the post-game celebration, I told the coach how close a call we had with Ethan showing up.  She took him aside, and pointed out to him that because he chose to go, his team was able to play, and able to celebrate this big win.  And she thanked him for showing up and playing for his team.

And as we pointed this out to him – how his team depended on him, and how every member of a team is needed, we asked him what made him change his mind to go.

His answer was the best part.  When he lay down in his bed, he didn’t pick up his book to read.  He thought about his decision.  He thought about his team.  And he listened to his innate – that wisdom inside of him –  and he realized that going to the game was the decision that felt right.

And in the way that it all played out, I have no doubt that this choice will long be remembered.  It’s one thing for Dean and me to tell him that being on a team is a commitment and that every team member needs to be dependable – but it’s quite another, more powerful lesson for him to come to his own choice, and see and feel the consequences for himself.  It makes it all so much more real.

We were very proud of him for taking the time to reflect, get in touch with what felt right, and for coming to his own decision.  For us it is yet another experience of letting go, giving more responsibility to our kids for their own choices and actions, and simply trusting in them.

I think we all won on this one.

Journaling with my ‘Monkey-See-Monkey-Do’ Kids

22 Thursday Aug 2013

Posted by in A Working Mom, Fully expressed, Raising Independent Thinkers, Thinking by Design

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Kids tend to copy what they see.  Monkey see, monkey do – right?  And in the perfect world, they will only see the ‘good’ sides of us, and only copy those habits and behaviours we wish them to take on.  (I could laugh out loud right now – along with every other parent who might read this. ‘Yeah, our kids will only see our good sides’  Sure.)  The truth is that kids truly do see all, and there are some of my traits I hope they don’t take on.  I think the best I can hope for is to be as good a role model as I know how to be – and to trust that they will pick up on lots of the ‘good’, and downplay the ‘bad.’  I’m only human, after all.

But when it comes to habits, there are many things I do that I hope they will emulate – like being active, eating healthy food, making family a priority, being a good listener, and so on.  And while much of this comes with frequent and intentional conversations – why we eat what we do, why we need to take other people’s feelings into consideration, (etc) – the most enjoyable for me is when I see my kids take up a habit of mine from observation, and from their own decision that it seems like something they would like to try.

And so, here I find myself, early on a sunny morning, sitting on our gazebo at the end of my morning ‘power hour’ – an hour that I spend every morning in preparation for my day.  And the best part of today’s power hour is my company.

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It truly is a reality that kids do as you do.  And my kids see me journal often.  They know that when they wake up in the morning they can find me in the back yard or living room with my  journal, a book, or the computer close at hand.  And of course they ask me what I’m doing, what I write about, and most importantly: why I do it.

And so I have told them: my ‘power hour’ is an hour I dedicate every morning as soon as I get up (usually 6am) to setting out my goals and intentions for the day.  It is a practice that virtually every ultra-successful person I know (or know of) does.  It’s something that has been touted as being one of the most productive uses of time from so many sources I can’t name them all (but Robin Sharma is one who writes wonderfully about it).  And it is the one thing I do that seems to make the rest of my life flow better.  I am more clear and focused, I can map out what I want to accomplish, get clarity on my dreams and aspirations, and where I see myself going.  Quite simply, it keeps me on track.

And so, to have my kids join me in this practice is an absolute joy.  I didn’t ask them.  They’ve just subscribed to the notion of ‘monkey see, monkey do.’

What do I do?  Well, for me, it starts with 5-15 minutes of mobility work (which wakes me up)  This is followed by reviewing some of my own goals, intentions, values or dreams – each of which is a detailed document on the desktop of my computer.  And then I journal.  I review each week – wins and challenges.  I set intentions for each week and each day.  And I check in on it to see if I am on track.  And then I map out when I expect to do any of the actions I have listed.

Sometimes I blog.  Sometimes I dream.  Sometimes I just get my thoughts out.  But all in all, it gives me great clarity, keeps me connected to my purpose, helps me map out what I want to accomplish, and starts my day with gusto.

And I love that my kids have become frequent journalers.

ImageRight now, Ethan is writing out his ideas for a world he wants to build in Minecraft (a world-building game on the computer), as well as ideas for a mod he wants to invent for it (a mod is a computer program…  which, I guess means that we have to find a way for him to start learning programming…!)

ImageAudra has started by writing out the  most important things in her life (a list of family, friends and stuffed animals), and another of things she would like to do in her life (like going to Hawaii).

Considering that I have found this practice to be one of the most important things I do to keep me on track – and is likely one reason I have been able to find harmony amongst the many busy roles I play as a mom, wife, chiropractor, business owner, and writer – I am exceedingly happy to witness my kids embracing this for themselves.  I believe it to be as important for their wellbeing as being active and eating healthy foods.

I believe it fosters self esteem, instills the value of having a vision and mapping out steps to reach their goals, and allows them to celebrate the wins they experience every day. (like Audra’s evident enthusiasm for completing a walk over for the first time – and her celebration of the effort):Image

As I sit and watch them journal, think and create, it certainly fills my soul up.  I have no doubt that they will indeed create their lives exactly as they wish, reach their goals, have direction and purpose  – and live extraordinary lives.

Which, of course, is exactly what I wish for them.

Striving for Excellence

07 Friday Jun 2013

Posted by in Fully expressed, Raising Independent Thinkers, Thinking by Design

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One of the mantras in our family is to ‘always do your best’; and we have tried to teach our children to use that as their only standard of performance.  We don’t care how their best friend did, if the rest of the class did something else, or if they beat out – or were beaten by – another person.  We want our children to be able to check in with themselves and answer to their own truthful evaluation:  “Did I do my best?” “Am I happy with what I have done?”  And if the answer to those questions is an honest and heartfelt ‘YES’, then in our eyes, what else could matter?

However, we do live in this same world, where ‘bigger is better’, and the tendency that is all around is to be THE BEST.   Now, don’t get me wrong here.  We want our children to excel. We want them to push themselves, try new things, face challenges, and learn that they can thrive even under pressure.  The only difference is that we want them to do so regardless of any reward, ribbon, prize or desire to beat someone else.  The only person they need to be accountable to is themselves (and at this age, me and Dean -with the intention that we are nourishing their internal drive to strive for excellence.)  Let’s face it, most of us are our own worst critics.  So why can’t we also be our own best advocates, proud of efforts well made?

Given the time of year, it seems that awards are being given everywhere we look.  School assemblies, sports events, and more.  And I am a proud mama for seeing my children being on the receiving end of some of those.  But the best reward for me is seeing the joy on Ethan and Audra’s faces, and seeing their excitement at being recognized for their efforts.  I have no problem with recognition being an added incentive – just not the only one.  How sad I would be if that joy were to be replaced with anger or frustration that they ‘only’ got second or third place – or none at all. (I’ve even heard 2nd place be called “first loser”, jokingly – perhaps – but certainly not how I choose to see things.)

We are just like every other parent in that our hearts fill with pride when we see our children be recognized and celebrated for their efforts.  We happily sat through a recent school assembly to see Ethan rewarded with an academic award, and we enjoyed ourselves last night at the art showcase where Audra ecstatically won second place for her artwork.  And I thoroughly enjoyed Ethan’s bursting-at-the-seams announcement about placing 3rd overall in his grade and getting a gold in the school track and field event.  (“Mom, hold your ‘yays’ until I tell you everything”, he instructed.)  And I have to say, I like the school’s system for points, where any student who accumulates a certain level from all of the track events combined wins gold, silver or bronze.  It certainly didn’t detract from my pride in Ethan to know that he wasn’t the only one to win gold.  In fact, I enjoyed his recounting of how many of his friends also did the same, and even moreso, how much he also celebrates their wins.

The irony here is that I can be a very competitive person – but mostly against myself and my own high expectations.  It has taken a lot of work to switch my modus operendi from seeking perfection to striving for excellence.  See, the problem here is that when you are only happy with first place or perfection, so many great efforts go unacknowledged.  You are constantly left with a feeling of “not enough”.  Whether that is  ‘not good enough’, ‘not fast enough’, ‘not smart enough’, or any other form of ‘not enough’ – the feeling is not one that feels good.

And what I have learned is that we are all enough.

Underlying this all is that we want our children to know that they are more than enough.  They are wonderful, magnificent, amazing human beings.  

We want them to focus on giving their all in life – in every area, even if it’s never to be evaluated.  We want them to grow up knowing to strive for excellence, proud of their efforts as driven, internally motivated individuals who can look themselves in the mirror and truthfully say “I did my best” and “I gave it my all.”

Really, what more can there possibly be?

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Audra and her Sword

28 Sunday Apr 2013

Posted by in Raising Independent Thinkers, Women Empowered

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Audra had her heart set on a sword.  And she now sleeps with it beside her on her bed.

Audra sleeping with her sword by her side

Audra sleeping with her sword by her side

Considering the stand I take for kindness, compassion, living from our hearts – and non-violence, it may seem strange that I had no issue with my daughter wanting a sword.  Yes, I envision a world that is healthy, whole, peaceful and connected.  And I have already stated that I will never be okay with violent games in our house.  But in this case, I think that despite the sword being a weapon, I see it as a symbol for more than that for her.

After all, an item itself is not inherently good or bad.  It is the intention of the user that makes it so.  According to her, she wanted it because ‘it has diamonds on it and it is cool.’  ‘And Xena, Warrior Princess has one.’

I guess I like that her shift in “princess adulation” has gone from the omnipresent Disney princesses to a stronger female role model.  (not that I feel Xena is the ideal – but it is certainly an improvement in my mind)  In this capacity, her new-found sword is a symbol of strength, being of service to people and fighting for good.  And I’m okay with that.

(Plus, the sword soon to be mounted on her wall – although I don’t doubt that in true Audra-style, I will occasionally find it tucked into bed beside her anyways.  She has a quarky habit of wanting to sleep with anything that is ‘new’ or ‘special’ – and obviously that is not exclusively reserved for soft, cuddly things!)

So let me explain my rationale with this:

I believe that people need to embrace all sides of their nature.  And I believe that every person holds every trait under the sun.  In fact, I believe that we could all be capable of anything – good or bad – if given the right (or wrong) set of life circumstances.

I also believe that when it comes to differences between males and females, we are equally strong, but in different ways.  I believe that men can be determined, ambitious, and powerful, as well as thoughtful, kind and loving.  I believe that women can be nurturing and compassionate and intuitive – as well as competitive, driven and strong.  I believe that it is by embracing all parts of ourselves that we find harmony, and allow the expression of our best selves possible.

I believe that powerful females – and heartfelt males – might just bring the balance of strength, compassion and nurturing that our world so desperately needs to heal, thrive and evolve to something better.

From this place, we make a conscious effort with our kids to nurture all sides of them. 

And so, when Audra saw this sword – with dragon heads and jewels on it – I didn’t have a problem with her wanting to spend her money on it.  I see one of her greatest strengths as being kind-hearted and generous.  But she is also determined, head-strong, and fiesty.  If she set her heart on having a sword: no problem.

She can be the warrior princess of our family.  I have no doubt that she will be a stand for all that is good in the world.

Goal Setting and the Lego Death Star

21 Sunday Apr 2013

Posted by in Life Lessons, Raising Independent Thinkers, Thinking by Design

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Yesterday was a monumental day for Ethan.  For the past ten months, he has been saving his money to buy the Lego Death Star.  (For all the Lego or Star Wars fanatics out there, the title is self-explanatory)  For the rest of you – it’s an absolutely gigantic lego set based on the Star Wars death star – complete with a gazillion mini figures and moving parts you can use to re-enact scenes from the movie.  (I have to admit, it’s pretty cool.)

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Somewhere along the way Ethan discovered that this existed, and starting researching the set on the internet.  With every detail discovered, his excitement grew – but his initial plans were thwarted when he was told it was too big (expensive) for a birthday or Christmas request.  And so, our story starts with his question:  “What if I save up enough money for it?”

Both Dean and I were of the same mind on this one – Go for it.  But with a whopping $565 price tag, we pointed out that it would take a lot of dedication, extra work, creativity and patience to reach his goal.

His mind was made up, and for the next ten months, Ethan saved almost every bit of his allowance (which was a trial run in the fall and has since been terminated). He saved most of the money he received in the past year for gifts from family.  He did chores, washed windows, cleaned my car, did yard work for friends, weeded our garden, and was often heard to ask: “Mom, are there any jobs today?”  I suggested he ask our neighbours if they had any jobs for him – but he balked at that one.  With every choice he was presented with, he evaluated his decision on whether it would move him towards his goal, or away from it.  It was pretty admirable, I have to say, to watch a 9-year-old resolutely pass on spending his birthday money while watching his younger sister choose how to spend hers in their favourite toy store.  (As a side note, the name Ethan means strong and steadfast… I guess he was living up to it in this instance!)

At the suggestion of a family friend, Ethan posted a chart beside his bed so that he could track his progress.  With every $5 earned, he’d colour in a bar on the graph.  I heard him lament at times how far he had to go… and the equal angst when he saw how close he was getting.   In recent weeks, the question became “When, when when?”

Goal tracking chart

It was a great lesson in saving and working towards a goal – and experiencing the joy of finally reaping the rewards.  A part of me was a little uncomfortable with the idea of spending such a large amount of money on a toy.  However, as it was his money, it was also his decision.  I asked him if he knew what else $565 could buy, wondering how much of a concept of money he could possibly have.  But he quickly answered: “a laptop, an ipad, a bunch of lego sets.”  Obviously he had some idea. (At least, with what he could do with that amount of money.  In this instance, we didn’t get into how that same amount could impact people in need.)

One lesson we would like to teach our children with respect to money is to spend some, give some and save some.  Admittedly, in this instance, the balance was skewed.  While he did still give some and spend some over this time, the biggest emphasis was very definitely on saving to reach his goal.

THE BIG EVENT went down like this:

We told the kids we had some shopping to do, eventually ending up in a Lego store that carried the Death Star.  Ethan picked up the box – but didn’t think he’d be getting it until our pre-determined date for the following weekend.  “I’m so excited!” he exclaimed – I guess he was feeling so close he could almost taste it.  “What would you say if we told you it could be yours today?” asked Dean.  Ethan’s head was like it was on a swivel – holding the heavy box, eyes wide, as he looked back and forth between us – as I handed him the envelope with all of his money in it and it hit him:  the wait was over.  Overcome with excitement, jumping, laughing, near-crying with joy- he hugged us, and then the box.  He walked up to the check out, put his thick envelope of cash down, and announced (as rehearsed): “ONE LEGO DEATH STAR, PLEASE!!”

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The reaction of the young, lego-loving store cashier simply added to the moment.  This was a BIG DEAL.

Afterwards, at dinner, we quietly mentioned to him that Audra was $25 short for the much smaller lego set she wanted, and that if he wanted, he could let her use some of the $25 worth of ‘lego dollars’ he earned with his large purchase – but that it was entirely up to him.  He sat with that for a little while, and then leaned over to me and whispered in my ear that he’d like to give it to her.  And so, on the same day as reaping his rewards, he was also rewarded by the overjoyed look on his sister’s face when he told her that he wanted to help her reach her goal.  Needless to say, it was a win-win situation in the Robinson household.

There have since been many quiet hours in our house – complete with happy conversations between the two of them as they check on each other’s lego-building progress.  They may just be toys, but I think something bigger happened here.

Upon reflection, I can see that there were many lessons learned:  

  • The power of setting a goal
  • The habit of holding that vision clearly and frequently in mind (with excitement!)
  • The need to take consistent action towards that goal
  • The power of a visual for tracking progress – even the baby steps
  • The awareness of making conscious choices based on goals rather than impulse
  • The absolute joy of experiencing the fruit of your efforts
  • And the joy of paying it forward.

(He says his next goal is a computer.  Awesome.)

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