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Mom on Purpose

~ The lofty side of this is that I am a mom on a mission. I am striving to create a better world by being the best, most inner-directed mother I know how to be. The other side of this is that I became a mom… on purpose. Meaning, I chose this. But man, it can be hard.

Mom on Purpose

Category Archives: The Baby Years

40 Weeks of Pregnancy

05 Friday Jul 2013

Posted by Dr. Amy Robinson in Pregnancy and Birth, The Baby Years, Women Empowered

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Being Present in the Moment, Birth by Design, Motherhood, Pregnancy

Yesterday ended in the most beautiful, life-affirming way, as I witnessed the bond between pregnant couples as they connected at the end of the yoga session that rounded out the Birth by Design workshop in my practice.  Looking at the five couples – all parents-to-be for the first time – I was reminded yet again of how beautiful it is to experience and witness this powerful stage of life – and how quickly pregnancy (and life with a newborn) flies.

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We get so used to women lamenting how long their pregnancy feels, how they just want the baby to come.  I understand that some women are uncomfortable, and that most are apprehensive about what the birth itself may bring.  But quite honestly, this ‘just get this over with’ approach to pregnancy makes me sad (while also relieved to not pick up on that in the group yesterday).  While I remember feeling like I was pregnant for ages, or that days with a newborn sometimes lasted for an eternity – I also remember taking many moments to just be, connected to how magical and awe-inspiring it is to hold a life in your body or your baby in your arms.

For women who are struggling through their pregnancies, my wish is that they could refocus – away from those things that are challenging – and towards what life is bringing to them. I wonder if they sometimes get so caught up in the daily things that they lose sight of the bigger picture?

Have they taken a moment to truly realize how miraculous it is that their body is creating a new life?

Have they given a moment’s thought to any of the women out there who are unable to get pregnant and who would give anything to do so? 

It’s not that pregnancy doesn’t have real challenges – or motherhood for that matter.  Both do.  But when you put your time and energy on what is wrong, you may lose sight of all of those things that are oh-so-right.

In the big scheme of things, pregnancy lasts a blink of an eye: A short 40 weeks in a life that will likely have over 4000 weeks.  For one percent of your life, you get to feel your unborn child move, grow and thrive within your body.  For one percent of your life, you have irrefutable proof of life as a miracle, and your body as a vessel for the power of all of creation.

Personally, I am grateful beyond words that I was able to have that experience.  In giving birth, not only did I meet the two most beautiful and important people in my life – but I also discovered how very powerful I can be.  For me, birth opened the doors to fully trusting myself, knowing that I am strong beyond what I thought was possible, and a deep knowing that I can do anything that I put my mind and my heart into.  

Best version quote

Becoming a mom has helped make me the person I am today.  I know that I have my shortcomings, but I also know my strengths.  I have had to face the fact that everything isn’t always perfect, that I can’t make everyone happy, and that I don’t always know the answers.  Traversing these uncharted waters as a parent, however, is what has allowed me to discover myself as a much more insightful, understanding, empathetic, and authentic human being.  Living up to my job as a role model holds me to the highest level of accountability.  And so, for me – birth ushers in more than one new life.  Like I’ve told Ethan: when he was born, I was born too – as a mom.  I don’t always know what I’m doing, but I will always do my best, and it will always come from a place of love.

All of this underlies why I was so moved last night as I watched the expecting couples bond, connect to the power they have within, and come to trust more and more in their ability to not just ‘get through this’ – but to embrace these brief moments, enjoy them, and revel in preparing themselves for the momentous occasion of welcoming their children into this world.

The truth is that it makes me sad to know that I have passed to the other side of the pregnancy, birth and baby stage of my life.  And while I am happy with my two wonderful children – and about to enter into the pre-teen stages of parenthood – I miss those days.

I miss being pregnant, and feeling my babies move inside of me.  I miss that unique bond that forms over those fleeting 40 weeks of pregnancy.

I am even sad that I will never again get to experience birth.  Some people may think I’m crazy about this one, but there has never been another time in my life that demonstrated to me just how powerful our bodies are, or that gave me such indisputable proof of just how powerful I am.

In this busy, crazy, fast-paced world we live in, one of my saving graces has been to consciously and consistently take time to be present to the moments that are happening right now.  Being fully present to life as it unfolds.  It passes by so very quickly.

So please, embrace those 40 weeks.  Cherish those moments – even when they are hard, or you’re tired, sore, cranky or feel like being ‘done’.  Because one day, you’ll realize that it has passed in an instant – and my wish for you is that you recall it all with as much overwhelming love, tenderness and awe as I feel right now.

I believe that all of life is miraculous, and that there are daily glimpses of this magic.  Pregnancy and birth, for me, is the epitome of it all.  Please cherish it.

baby

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Love Letter to my Daughter (My Baby is Turning 8)

03 Friday May 2013

Posted by Dr. Amy Robinson in Musings of a Manic Mama, The Baby Years

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

A Mother's Love, Birthdays, Kids Growing Up

This is a love letter to my daughter.  My baby is turning eight.

May 4th is Audra’s birthday.  I just don’t know where time goes.  How is it possible that it’s been 8 years?

Audra at 5 months

It’s funny how it is almost impossible to remember life before kids.  And I don’t mean what I did, or what life was like – that I remember just fine (and with an extra dose of gratitude for how ‘easy’ things were then!)  I mean that it defies my brain’s capacity to remember what life was like – and what the meaning of my life was – before our children entered into it.

Was my life meaningless without them?  Absolutely not.  Would I have made less of a difference without becoming a mom?  No – not that, either.  But for me, the depth of love, sacrifice, and the all-encompassing richness of life that comes from having a child to adore, nurture, and watch grow is something that words can’t do justice to.

I once heard it explained that words are part of the physical plane, whereas emotions are part of the energetic plane.  And while the two overlap – it makes it very difficult to describe the power of love and gratitude – which are intangible vibrations and energies – with a thing like a word.  It is one reason I fill my days with hugs and smiles – envisioning my love like a tidal wave that washes over our kids, infusing them with the high vibration of love and all of its infinite possibilities.

Mar2 2006 E and AI am quite certain it was because of being a mom for the second time around that I had an inkling of how much love and joy and laughter another baby would bring into our lives.  We actually welcomed the challenges of life with a newborn –  despite knowing that we were in for some busy times.  I was not quite sure how I would manage with a newborn and a not-quite-2-year-old -and no family around to help out in the busyness of daily life.  But somehow we did.  I am sure we were not perfect, but I am beginning to think that maybe nothing ever is.  And like I’ve said – I think it is possible that keeping my sanity during those busy years with babies and toddlers, while starting my chiropractic practice, and entering this new territory of family life may just be one of the pinnacles of my life’s greatest accomplishments.

So as I reflect on Audra – my baby.  How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways?  I doubt that any words can truly do it justice.  (But here goes):

 322_25847823863_285_nAudra:  My black & white child, my feisty little girl – you were born knowing what you wanted, and how to get it.  You burst into our lives like a flame.   And from that very first moment I held you in my arms, I was completely smitten.  Googly-eyed, over-the-top in love. 

You are so beautiful in every possible way.  You are smart, funny, loving, thoughtful, generous, creative, artistic, athletic, determined, strong, caring, happy, and brave.  You are my daughter, and I am as proud of you as a mom can be.  I am grateful every minute of every day for being your mom.  I am excited to see where you go in your life, what adventures you will have, and what wonderful things you will do.

IMG_1470My wonderful girl – I love you with every part of my being. You will always be my baby.  Whether you are 8 years old.  Or 98. 

I love you.  I love you.  I love you!!!

Happy Birthday my beautiful Audra!

(but please don’t grow up too fast…)

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Family, Freedom and Experiencing

07 Sunday Apr 2013

Posted by Dr. Amy Robinson in Extended family, My Life as a Wife, Our Family Adventures, The Baby Years

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Experiencing, Family, Freedom, Geographically Challenged, Gratitude, Travel

Five years ago I was on a beach in Cuba as my sister, who I adore, was married.  It was a sunny, beautiful day, with a breeze coming off the water to where we stood under the shade of the trees.  The background sounds were of the waves gently crashing a few feet away, our brother singing, and Dean playing guitar.  With a simple ceremony, followed by playful pictures in the waves, and climbing trees, our group celebrated together.

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At the time, Dean’s parents had flown to Ontario to watch Ethan and Audra, who were almost 5 and 3 years old.  At the time, there were no cousins yet born – and now there are five: 3 to my sister and 2 to my brother.  Again, I am astonished at how time flies so quickly, and yet those moments feel like yesterday.

For us, it was the first time away from our children.  And while I missed them – at times intensely, the other part of me that craves freedom revelled in the contrast between how busy those years were for us, and the luxury of being able to fully and completely relax.   The concept of relaxation had entirely been lost on me for years at that point.

One thing I doubt I will ever take for granted is the ease that comes from having family nearby to help out.  I can say that with confidence, I believe, simply because it’s one thing we have never had in our time as parents.  With both of our families in different provinces, our early years were spent relying solely on each other.  And the contrast we experienced when traveling to Alberta or Nova Scotia to visit our parents – or when they came to us – was striking.  I will forever say that I am grateful that we had passed (in one piece!) to the other side of the toddler years when my sister and brother started their families.  I am quite certain that I would have been green with envy, and wallowed in tired self pity if I had seen how much support was available, and how much of a social life was possible if grandparents happened to live close by.  I do not for one second begrudge that my siblings had that extra help where we did not – after all, we were the ones who chose to stay in Ontario.

However, with the backdrop of five years of constant baby and toddler years and the busyness (and sometimes chaos) that entails, both Dean and I admittedly had one of the best weeks of our lives when we travelled to Cuba sans-kids.  Even amongst the group of friends/wedding guests, the comments were made that we just might have been the most relaxed people at the entire resort.  And they just may have been right. (We had five years worth banked!)

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Don’t get me wrong:  we missed our kids.  I can still vividly remember calling home one day to hear Audra wailing my name – as I broke down into a blubbering mess.  Despite my desire to not make it harder on them, I just couldn’t quite control the emotions that stirred from knowing my babies missed me from so far away.  And yet…  after a little time, that too waned, as I got present to the gift of time I had in front of me.  Time to enjoy the sun, spend time with my husband, have fun with my sister and friends, and to hang out with my parents.  It was our first time to an all-inclusive.  It was our first time traveling to a different country together.  And it was glorious.  The little taste of freedom it gave me was worth every second of the episodes of heartache.

The experience awoke in me the desire to travel, play, experience and be free – both with my husband, and with our children.  I realized that we could have our busy lives, and travel, too.  We resolved then and there that we would do more of this.  I realized that the time and effort we put into our daily lives, balancing work, kids and our marriage – while wonderful – also created the need to occasionally step away from it all and just simply be.

And now, several years later, and with a few more trips under our belt (including ones with our kids), it is a goal of ours to work towards truly having it all:  regular travel together as a couple, and travel with our kids. And we hope one day to travel with our extended family, and to share some of those future experiences with some of our closest friends.

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I don’t know how it will all play out.  I don’t know how often we will travel, nor exactly where we will end up. (But we have lots of fun watching travel documentaries, and dreaming up ideas)  With the value we place on family, freedom and experiencing, all I know for sure that I intend to live my life to the fullest, gaining great experiences and learning with Dean, Ethan and Audra.

One of the great realizations in my life was that I would rather buy an experience than a ‘thing’.  If I had to choose, I would rather live a more simple life – with travel and adventure – than a luxurious one always at home.  For us, having new experiences is what life is all about.

Upon reflection, I think that I would not have so greatly appreciated the exhilaration of that first Cuba trip if we had been living with family close by.  I think I may have been guilty of taking my freedom for granted, if having someone to call on had always been the norm.  But, like the saying that every cloud has its silver lining, perhaps one of the best gifts we have gained from having a family that is ‘geographically challenged’ is the appreciation for the moment in front of us.  For time.  For freedom.  For the people around us.  For new experiences.  And the desire to reach for more.

Cuba, I think, was just the wake up call.  And what a glorious one it was.

(Happy Anniversary Andrea and Andrew!!)

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Sleep, Oh Glorious Sleep

31 Sunday Mar 2013

Posted by Dr. Amy Robinson in A Working Mom, Musings of a Manic Mama, The Baby Years

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Bedtime with Babies, Being Present in the Moment, Co-sleeping, Sleep Deprivation

Sleep, oh glorious Sleep.  I apologize for all of the years I took you for granted.  I wish I could have banked all of the extra hours of leisurely sleep I enjoyed before life got busy and kids entered our world.  I acknowledge and appreciate you for the power you have to help me be my best: full of energy, adventure, productivity, resourcefulness and patience.  I thank you for all of the years I had in the past without needing makeup to cover the tired circles under my eyes.  And please, come visit me again – often.  I’ll admit it:  I’m just not my best without you.

I find it somewhat ironic that I am noticing a lack of sleep these days.  After all those early years of sleep deprivation, I am somewhat shocked to realize that I could ever again be guilty of taking sleep for granted. (something I swore I would never do) After the challenges we had during our baby-years, I think I must remind myself again of what a glorious thing it is to sleep deeply and wake well-rested.

The big difference is that nowadays, the majority of my need for sleep can be fairly placed on my own shoulders  – a product of my own choices:  staying up with my night-hawk husband, enjoying the occasional social time with friends, and a preference to be an early bird in the mornings.  However, I am noticing the toll it is taking as my focus, mood, physical strength and energy wane, and my desire to be productive has all but disappeared.  I think my highest desire today is to have a great nap.  I’m even grateful for the grey day outside, as it lends itself well to curling up under the covers.  And so here I find myself daydreaming about sleep – while my sleepy mind brings me back in time to when sleep was a daily challenge.

Perhaps I now appreciate a good sleep, simply because I heavily paid my dues when our kids were younger and I was chronically sleep-deprived.  After all, over three years of rarely having more than 2 hours of sleep strung together will take its toll.  Looking back, I wonder how I managed to function, let alone keep our kids safe, fed, clothed and happy.  It completely escapes me how I managed to start and build my practice, or even carry on coherent conversations during that time.

An awesome kid (and amazing sleeper now), Ethan may just have been the worst-sleeping baby I have ever known.  Despite being a very happy baby, he absolutely hated sleep, and would fight it like no tomorrow.  Even in arms, he cried every time he had to go to sleep.  (I’m not sure what he thought he was missing!) I am quite certain he almost caused our friends to question whether or not to have kids.  In the very least, I know for a fact that they prayed  to please not have a baby like that in the sleeping department.  He was a sleeping nightmare – and the only way I could get any sleep to be able to function in daylight hours was to sleep with him.  Our bedtime routine involved me laying to down to nurse him – with both of us drifting off to sleep, a routine that we revisited frequently through the night.  Chiropractor/Mommy by Day,  All-Night Milk Bar by night.  (which made a mid-day nap an absolute necessity)

By the time Audra was born, we had already put in months of effort to get Ethan to sleep well, and on his own.  Our efforts paid off – and he gradually became a great-sleeping toddler.  Co-sleeping took on a new form – like early morning cuddles to give us an extra hour in bed, or for naps when either Dean or I wanted one, too.  With time, our sleep challenges transitioned purely into precious moments.

Ethan and Dean napping 2005

Being parents the second-time around, we vowed that we would do things differently with Audra – putting more effort in to teach her to self-soothe, nurse only when hungry, and that we would put her down when she was getting sleepy.  And I think we did a better job… but she was a born cuddler, melting her sweet, warm body onto mine so deliciously that even when I had something to do, I was often loathe to put her down.  (And Dean was equally, if not more guilty of this.  I’d often come home from work to find him on the computer, with Audra in a deep sleep in his arms.  He’d answer my ‘look’ with a sheepish grin, acknowledging that “she was just so cuddly”.)  And I am happy to say that she is still as wonderfully cuddly today, almost eight years later.

Me and Audra - 2 months old

In fact, I choose to think that our tendency to hold our babies and sleep with them helped shape them as the very affectionate, hug-loving children that they are today.  I am happy to say that both Ethan and Audra choose to give us hugs in the school yard – a rarity these days in many grade school kids.  And many comments have come our way about the enthusiastic cries of joy and running hugs Dean gets when picking our kids up from camp or the after-school program. So whether it was the extra cuddles as babies, or a mix of a whole lot of things over the years – we appreciate every indication of how ingrained our children are to show their love and affection.

Suffice it to say that our intention was to have children who were well-adjusted, and who felt loved, comforted, and well-rested – with healthy associations with sleep to boot. With time, this came.  Our children transitioned to their own rooms and beds, with easy bedtime routines.  They were not afraid of the dark, never had nightmares or night terrors, and rarely woke in the middle of the night.  However, it took us years to get there.  Perhaps we could have had that from the beginning.  I’m the first to admit that I am no expert in the baby-sleeping arena.   However, I am grateful for the end result, regardless of how long it took us to get there.  Looking back on it, the difficulties we had with sleep have blurred.  I can no longer feel the frustration – although I know that I had lots of it.

Instead, my selective mommy memory remembers the feel of a fully content, deeply sleeping baby in my arms.  I remember curling my body into theirs as we co-slept.  I remember the joy of waking up and seeing the peacefully sleeping faces of my healthy babes.  I remember being woken to smiling babies who wanted to bounce, play and giggle with the early morning rays.  I remember the inexplicable joy of being skin-to-skin with my babies, feeling them breathe, feeling their tiny hearts beating, and looking at them in amazement for the miracles that they are.  I remember feeling absolutely overwhelming waves of love, mingled with a fierce sense of protection, and my desire to give them every bit of myself and every opportunity in the world.  I remember my mommy-heart singing for joy and overflowing love – despite the fatigue.  Somehow in those moments, tiredness disappeared and all that mattered was the love I had for my children.

Ethan 2 wks

And so, these days when I don’t sleep well, it’s usually for relatively short periods of time – a night or a week, rather than for years on end.  It’s usually due to a combination of a busy life with lots on my plate, an aging dog who sometimes wants to go out at random times of the night,  and rarely because of our kids.

And yet, I can say with all honesty that it is possible that some of the best moments of my life were wrapped up in those times that I was not sleeping.  Maybe it was nature’s way of making sure I didn’t get so busy as to forget the little moments that mean everything.

As I sit and write this, a part of me wishes I could flash back in time, just for a moment to experience those moments again, challenging though they were.  They pass so quickly.  And all of the sudden, my need for sleep has dissipated.  Instead, it is filled with the need to be present to the moments in front of me.  While I may indeed still find time for a nap today, one thing I know for sure is this:  I will enjoy every minute I have with my kids today.  Because I realize that one day, years from now, I will look back on days like today – and see them for perfect moments in time.  Instead of remembering that I was tired, I will remember the sounds of their laughter, and the memories of the time we spend together – fully present to the only things that truly matter.

(And I could laugh out loud that I thought I was writing about my need to sleep…  )

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The lofty side of this is that I am a mom on a mission. I am striving to create a better world by being the best, most inner-directed mother I know how to be. The other side of this is that I became a mom.... on purpose. Meaning, I chose this. But man, it can be hard.

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The lofty side of this is that I am a mom on a mission. I am striving to create a better world by being the best, most inner-directed mother I know how to be. The other side of this is that I became a mom... on purpose. Meaning, I chose this. But man, it can be hard.

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