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Mom on Purpose

~ The lofty side of this is that I am a mom on a mission. I am striving to create a better world by being the best, most inner-directed mother I know how to be. The other side of this is that I became a mom… on purpose. Meaning, I chose this. But man, it can be hard.

Mom on Purpose

Tag Archives: Love

Are you Ready for Christmas? My Top Tips for Keeping Peace (Sanity) in the Holidays

18 Wednesday Dec 2013

Posted by Dr. Amy Robinson in Fully expressed, in8 Mama: Deviating from the Mainstream, Life Lessons

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Gratitude, Holiday Traditions, Joy, Keeping things Simple, Love, Peace, Ready for Christmas

As we approach the final weekend before the 25th, I’m sure even those people who don’t celebrate Christmas can feel the hype.  Without a doubt, the most common question I hear these days is:

“ARE YOU READY FOR CHRISTMAS YET?”  – usually said with a sense of hesitance, like the question itself might cause someone to come unhinged.

Hmmm…. am I ready?  For what?  Family time?  Good food?  Contributing to my community? (if only the question meant those things to everyone, I think the chaos and stress that seems to accompany this time of year would be gone)

Unfortunately, I think it usually translates more like this:

Are you Ready?   Have you… gotten Santa pictures taken? Made and mailed photo cards to everyone? Shopped? Shopped some more?  Found the perfect present destined to reward you with that prized reaction from your kids on Christmas morning?  Outdid yourself from last year?  Spent more money than you could afford? Planned dinners?  Scheduled family visits?  Pencilled in holiday parties? Got haircuts and new holiday outfits for the family? Made sure your house was clean for a week of entertaining? Meticulously scheduled your time co-ordinating family visits – hopefully that don’t require days of travel or a Christmas day of house-hopping? Double-checked your list to make sure you didn’t forget someone?  And shopped some more?

Maybe it is hard to believe, but the week around December 25th is usually one of the most peaceful and relaxing weeks of the year for me.  I believe this is because of a few factors.  1 – We’ve lived in a different province from family for the past 15 years.  So our holidays either involve traveling or a quiet time with the four of us.  2 – When our kids were still babies, I saw how incredibly stressed out parents were at this time of year, and we vowed that we would do things differently.  3 – It was easy for us to start with simple gifts because our first few Christmases as a family were at a time that we simply had no extra money to be lavish with.

And so my top tips for bringing some PEACE AND JOY back into the holidays are these:

1 – START SIMPLE AND KEEP IT THAT WAY.   Let’s face it, babies don’t know the difference, toddlers are happier with the boxes and paper, and kids innately have the capacity to find joy in very small things.  As I’ve said in an earlier blog, it is usually us, as parents, that keep going bigger and better every year – and then wonder why our children are constantly wanting more.

(I had this conversation today with a mom of two young kids.  I was appalled when she told me that she has bought 8 substantial gifts for each of her kids, and that all 6 grandparents have bought another 5-6 gifts as well.  Her eyes almost bugged out of her head when I told her that we’ve always only bought one gift per child – and then, with a wistful look in her eyes told me that she wished she had started that way.  I suggested that if it were me, wanting to break that pattern, I’d plan a holiday vacation for an upcoming year.  I’d let the kids know the holiday was in place of presents, and then start anew – more simply – the following year.  (As for me, I can’t wait to experience a future Christmas in the Caribbean)

2 – GIVE GIFTS BECAUSE YOU WANT TO.  This is very different from giving gifts because you have to.  Would you rather receive a gift that someone happily and willingly gave to you?  Or one that you know was out of obligation?  I think we have become afraid of setting limits for gift-giving.  For me, when I give a gift, I get as much joy out of it as I expect the person gets from being on the receiving end.

The exchanging of gifts is a two-way street.  And it should feel win-win in both directions.

In my opinion, if you feel obligated to give gifts – that joy will be lacking (possibly even undermined by some subconscious irritation or resentment)  – both of which indicate that there is simply a conversation that needs to happen.  As often happens, you may just be surprised when you suggest cutting back and find that that idea brings a look of relief to other people’s faces as well.

There are lots of great ideas families have for keeping the fun and spirit of gift-giving alive.  Like exchanging names each year.  Or making it into a game – like Secret Santa, or “The Present Game”.  Or making a rule that presents have to be home-made.

3 – DONATE TO YOUR COMMUNITY.  I know that sometimes I get so caught up in my own life, that I forget that so many others have less than we do.  Less love, less security, less family, less food, less money – you name it.  Especially at this time of year – and its tendency to be very consumeristic – it can be very grounding to donate your time or money to others in your community.

Every year I make an effort to contribute a little more than at other times of year.  Each year in my practice, we have run food drives, or collected donations for a local woman’s shelter.

Other years I’ve brought the kids to pick out a toy they’d like to receive – with the understanding that it would be given to a child who might not be getting anything else that year.  We started this when Audra was 4, as I didn’t think she would understand well enough at an earlier age.  I was so pleasantly surprised at how much they grasped the concept of giving joy to others who are less fortunate.  Even at that young age, there was never once a whine that they wanted the toys for themselves.

But my favourite was the year the kids made dozens of Christmas cards that we brought and gave out at the local nursing home on Christmas Eve.  At the time, it was our first Christmas that we chose to stay in Ontario by ourselves – and I will admit that one of my motivations was to remind myself that there are many people who are lonely during the holidays – which is something that I will never experience as long as I am with my husband and kids.

Just like giving gifts, contributing to your community is another way to create a win-win situation.  No matter how difficult your own life may be at times, I suspect it may be impossible to feel badly about helping someone in need.  Rather, it brings up wonderful feelings of gratitude and a deep sense of inner peace.  Two things that are so crucial to truly enjoying the holidays.

And lastly,

4 – ASK YOURSELF:  DOES THIS BRING ME JOY?  Over the years, as we’ve made our decisions about the holidays, and the traditions we wanted to create, this single question is what has guided me.  I don’t mean it in the sense of being negligent of other people’s feelings.  I mean to check within yourself to see what choices make you feel those things that the holidays are meant to embrace: peace, love, gratitude, and joy.

For me, this list is simple.  I want quality time with family, good food, to feel like I have helped others in my community… and a good book to read.  For some people, this list  may include spending a day decorating their house, baking, filling their homes with guests, or a multitude of family traditions.

I challenge you to stop during this busy time and ask yourself:

What parts of the holidays fill me up with joy?

What things must be in place for me to feel content?

Who do I wish to spend my time with?

Where would I most like to spend my time?

What choices help my family be most at peace?

What traditions mean something to me – so much so that I’d like to pass them on to my kids?

I wonder what would happen if everyone stopped to reflect on these questions.  I wonder how many people would stop in their tracks and start to scratch things off their to-do lists?  I wonder how many people would remember what matters most about this time of year?

My wish is that more people would take just a few minutes during these busy days to slow down, breathe, and choose to create the holidays with great intention – while getting fully present to all of the beauty around them.

Whatever path you may choose, whatever tradition you may celebrate – my wish for you is simply this:  for your days to be filled with peace, love, and joy.

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Christmas Eve 2012 in Nova Scotia

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Celebrating Dean

01 Tuesday Oct 2013

Posted by Dr. Amy Robinson in Fully expressed, My Life as a Wife

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Gratitude, Love, Marriage, Role Models

Today is Dean’s birthday – and almost 15 years to the day that we met.   At the time, he was living in Edmonton and I was living 3 hours away in Calgary – just after graduating from university.  And on the weekend that we met, I knew that he was ‘the one’ for me.  How I knew, well, I can’t quite say.  But I vividly remember the bus ride back to Calgary as I journaled my surprised certainty that I had just met the guy I was going to marry.  And the funny thing was that we hadn’t kissed, hadn’t exchanged phone numbers, and had set up nothing to see each other again.  But, in the way that the world sometimes works out – I was right – and by the end of that month we had seen each other several more times and knew with an uncanny certainty that we would be spending our lives together.  In many ways I find it mind-boggling that I was only 22 when we met.  At the time, I can’t say that I was really that certain of who I was – but I was definitely on the path to learning – and obviously (thankfully!) in touch enough to know that this guy was the one for me.

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Flash forward several years (and another province), and we were married; another few years and we were a family of four, just getting started in life.  It was busy – sometimes chaotic – but wonderful at the same time.  One image that always stood out for me was from a book I read.  It was to picture our family like a wheel – with our marriage as the center spoke.  That has always stuck with me – that our relationship would be the center of our family life.  And I believe that one of the reasons that we got through those crazy earlier years with kids was because we kept sight of that.

I consider one of the greatest successes in my life to be our marriage and family life.  On the worst of days, I know that I have a partner in life who loves me, believes in me, and makes me feel cherished every single day.  I depend on him and his love to help keep me strong on the days that I feel weak, and beautiful on the days that I feel old and tired.  If I am able to help other people in my life, and be the kind of mother, wife, chiropractor and human being that I most want to be – it is in part because of the strength I gain from his love and support.

He is the most loving husband I could ever wish for, my best friend, and an amazing father.

I sincerely hope that our children will grow up to have a relationship as strong as ours, and to be parents as committed as he is.  (Yet another example of the importance of being role models for our children)

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Not a day has gone by in our lives together without saying that we love each other .  And for all of these 15 years, I have never once doubted that he is still ‘the one’ for me.

(Happy birthday Dean!  I LOVE YOU)

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Boycotting Valentine’s Day

13 Wednesday Feb 2013

Posted by Dr. Amy Robinson in Life Lessons, My Life as a Wife

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Love, Marriage, relationships, Valentine's Day

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.  Love Day.  I’d like to boycott the whole thing.  (Sorry to anyone who is  a big fan, but Dean and I are both of the same opinion on this one.  You can take it or leave it… or just not read any further.)

Every day should be about love.  365 days a year.  Not just one.

Despite letting our kids in on our thoughts on this one, for now, the boycott is only involving Dean and I.  Our kids are happily choosing cards to give to their classmates, and Audra is picking out her all-pink Valentine’s Day ensemble.  Perhaps in subconscious boycott of it all, I forgot to pick up cards for them when I was out earlier.  I know there are all kinds of left overs somewhere in our house from previous years… but finding them is another issue altogether.  Luckily Dean was able to score a few dusty boxes that the convenience store had stored out back – and even better, the kids liked them.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the kids having a little fun.  (Other than another excuse for sugar at school, I guess)  But it does irk me somewhat to think how sad it is that so many people think that making a big deal of their relationships every once in a while lets them off the hook for the rest of the year.  Do I care about chocolates, flowers or cards?  Or jewelry, for that matter?  No.

I care that I have a husband who lets me know every day that I am loved and beautiful.  I care that compliments are a daily part of my life.  I care that we enjoy each others’ company.  I care that my husband knows and understands me better than any other person in my life.  I care that we are free to be ourselves in our relationship, and have never tried to change each other.  I care that we have been married for more than ten years that we would do it all again tomorrow.  I care that our children are growing up in a home that is based on love, mutual respect and togetherness.

We are not perfect – but then again, I personally don’t think a “perfect relationship” exists.  Mostly because I don’t believe that people are perfect.  But when we can let go of trying to be impossibly perfect, maybe we can build as strong a relationship as possible. Accepting the ups and downs, strengths and weaknesses is part of the deal.  Relationships take work.  You don’t get to choose just the good parts.  But you can choose how well you love someone- and how well you love yourself.

I consider it a huge accomplishment that we got through our early years with young babies (and no family close by) – growing closer and stronger as a couple.  Maybe those years of sleep deprivation and busy-ness just showed us that the most important parts of our life are right there in front of us, every single day.  And so, for us, celebrating love only one day a year is quite simply a form of neglect. (and don’t get me started on the gross commercialism of it all)

My wish for our children is for them to grow up witnessing a loving relationship.  My wish is that they are filled with self love, spend their lives bringing more of it into the world, and one day, when the times comes, find someone to mirror that same love back to them.

My hope for the world is that interactions and decisions both large and small will be made more and more from a place of love, acceptance and connectedness.  My hope for every person is that they go through their days feeling loved, supported, heard, and adored.  My hope for every person is that they live a life full of love, kindness, and contribution.

What a world that would be.

Like I said, take it or leave it.  Either way, for Valentines’ Day, and every day – I wish you love.

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The lofty side of this is that I am a mom on a mission. I am striving to create a better world by being the best, most inner-directed mother I know how to be. The other side of this is that I became a mom.... on purpose. Meaning, I chose this. But man, it can be hard.

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