Tag Archives: Parenting

Lessons I Learned from my Mom

15 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in Extended family, Life Lessons, Women Empowered

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My mom is one of the smartest people I know.  In actual fact, I was hoping to have spent this weekend with her, as it was her birthday.  However, priorities in my own family kept me in Ontario – but with many moments with thoughts of my mom on my mind.

It is absolutely true that some things you just don’t understand in life until you become a parent.  I can’t say that I was ever admonished to “just wait until you have kids” as a means of explaining my parents’ point of view, but suffice it to say that I have gained a greater degree of understanding of my own parents by virtue of being one myself.

In fact, I suspect that same understanding is simply going to grow as I get closer to my own years parenting teenagers.  I myself was a pretty easy kid to deal with – but a difficult teenager.  When I think back on all of the nights of lost sleep and frustration I must have caused my mom during those years, I think (with some dread) of my own pending experience becoming a mom to teenagers.

I have great appreciation for my mom and dad for being the amazing parents that they are, and for the wonderful home life and childhood they provided for me and my siblings.  While acknowledging that motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever embarked upon, I have to give credit where credit is due:  to my mom.

Lessons I learned From my Mom:

1- Girls can do anything that boys can do. I will forever be grateful for growing up knowing that I can hold my own, that being a girl is simply a statement of fact – and not a handicap.  And I love to watch that same “girl-power” in my own daughter.

2 – Be fair.  Raised in a family of eight kids, I guess my mom was ingrained with a sense of fairness from early on.  In our family, great care was taken to make sure each of us felt equally and fairly treated (even if the specifics were different, the overall fairness was always evident) I know my mom paid attention to being fair with gifts, extracurricular activities, and every other aspect of life I can think of.

3 – Don’t compare your kids to each other.  I sometimes get funny looks when I tell people that I didn’t fight with my brother or sister growing up.  Let me be clear:  that doesn’t mean that we always got along, but we were never competing against each other for our parents’ attention.  I am quite certain that this is largely due to my parents’ conscious decision to respect us as the individuals that we were, with our own strengths and weaknesses, and to never compare us to each other.  This little bit of wisdom is one that we have adopted in our own family as well – perhaps this is one reason that Ethan and Audra have often played together so well.

4 – Give people space and respect their privacy.  I knew growing up that I could keep my journal or private things out in the open, and that my privacy would be respected.  I knew that my space, my things and my opinions would always be treated with respect.  This in one area, especially as our kids get older, that we plan to reinforce in our home as well.

5 – Listen carefully to every point of view.  My mom is the ultimate ‘devil’s advocate’ – with her mind going a mile a minute, especially in the face of challenges.  But she has always been open to hearing many different points of view and is one of the best sounding boards I know.  I am quite certain it is from being surrounded by this that I learned to always look at situations from differing perspectives – and this has served me very well in my life – especially as a wife and mom.

6 – Buy good quality (but shop for good prices).   I will give my mom some of the credit for the simple joy I have in seeing my kids in good quality things – like good shoes and coats.  I look at them and see dry feet and warm kids – while also happy with the ‘good deals’ I found.  I am especially happy when these choices mean that I don’t have to replace their things every month.

7 – Always read labels.  I still remember grocery shopping as a kid, impatiently watching my mom read labels (decades ahead of her time, I’d say!) When questioned ‘why’, she explained that if you are buying a canned food, the ingredient list should only say that food on the label and nothing else.  Made sense to me – and here I find myself, years later teaching principles of health (and Eating by Design) to people everywhere I go.

8 – Kids should be allowed to just be kids.  We were raised with lots of freedom to just play – and most of that outside.  We were in organized activities, but with a limit on how scheduled we were.  We experimented, explored, tested our limits and learned through play.  There is no doubt in my mind that our approach to parenting has its roots in these same simple beliefs.  Let kids be kids.

9- Do your best in school. As a teacher, my mom understood that all kids have different learning styles and strengths.  I never felt pressured with respect to schoolwork, but was internally driven to always do my best.  For our kids, our intentions are for them to keep their love of learning intact, to nurture their creativity and problem-solving abilities, to never compare them to others – and to instill in them the same sense of always giving their best.

10 – Don’t ever underestimate common sense – and learn to think for yourself.  In many ways it seems that common sense is not so common these days, and independent thought is not the norm.  Instead of blindly following what others are doing, we have taken the lead my parents set to teach our children to use their common sense, think independently for themselves, and to apply their mind in every situation, regardless of what others are doing.  I believe doing so nurtures their own thinking abilities, trust in themselves and ultimately self confidence. (And if I look at all of the ways I have differed from the ‘mainstream’ in many of our choices, I’d say that this tendency to nurture independent thought was a huge influence in my own life)

11 – Kids do what you do, not what you say.  I’d have to say, as a parent, that accepting this statement as truth is to accept why being a parent is such a huge undertaking.  I believe it is possible that there is no higher calling than to nurture and mold a child into becoming the best person that they can be. It is an enormous commitment to accept that you are one of the main role models for another human being, and that they are likely to follow in your footsteps in many ways: beliefs, habits, values and actions.  It calls you to a whole new level of personal awareness and integrity.

As for me, I can certainly say that I learned from a great role model.   On most days I think that I’m a pretty great mom, and on the other “off” days, at least I know that I am still doing the best I can.  I think it’s part of the growth and evolution of each person and generation to blaze a different path than the one before them.  There are many ways that we are doing things differently from how our parents did things.  Fundamentally, however, the values instilled in me as a young child, learning from and being loved by my parents were the starting foundation for who I am.  Living in a home full of love and respect, with a high value on family, has obviously set me on the path I am now on.  And now, with the heightened understanding of time and experience, my appreciation for my parents has only grown exponentially over the years.

For me, being a mom is the most important job in the world.  It is the hardest, and the most rewarding.  And I am forever grateful to my own mom for showing me how to be a great one.

(I love you, Mom!)

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Buying Peace

13 Tuesday Nov 2012

Posted by in Fully expressed, Life Lessons, Musings of a Manic Mama

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To tantrum or not to tantrum?  That is the question…  Or is it?

I had a conversation today with a mom in my practice, whose young daughter is reportedly a menace to shop with.  She adamantly insists upon foods whose child-directed packaging appeals to her, wants treats while shopping, and will throw a tantrum if she doesn’t get what she wants.  I empathize with the mom – but worry that by giving in to the tantrum – she may be “buying peace” at a very high price tag.

Let me explain by stating that I am proud to have a very feisty daughter.  In fact, her fire-y personality is one of the things I most love about her.  But the downside of that is that I have had my fair share of public tantrums.  And yes, you read that right:  I have had tantrums in public… but she has had more.

When Audra was a toddler, she could tantrum with the best of them.  While I may have looked the picture of calm to an onlooker, internally, I was breathing my way through the episodes, just like I breathed through the contractions of her birth. (And some days, I couldn’t have said which was worse)

I quickly realized that the question wasn’t whether or not I had a child who would throw tantrums – (I did, and it sucked).  The question was this:  What would I stand to lose or gain if I gave into them?

Giving into a tantrum may save face in public, or quiet a loud child – but remember it’s a temporary gain.  What we LOSE is much more.  We sometimes forget that our brilliantly perceptive children learn from modeling and experience.  They observe their world for cause and effect.  And when we give in to a tantrum, they learn that tantrums get them what they want.

See, I am stubborn enough that I decided tantrums would never be rewarded.  I simply could not afford to add fuel to the fire that is my feisty daughter – not if I wanted to keep my sanity. (And I’ve always been a little concerned about what our teenage years may bring)

I saw my options as being:

1- give in (but like I said, I am usually too stubborn)

2 – ignore (this strategy works well, although onlookers may not approve…In fact, I could tell stories of being congratulated by older women in the check out lines:  “Good for you for standing your ground, mama”)

3 –have a mommy fit.

Since I did not want to opt for number 3 – I learned that I had to take care of myself enough so that tendency was not likely to occur.  Any parent could tell you that tantrums happen most during those days when WE are most tired, stressed, rushed or pushed to the max. So taking care of ourselves is not a luxury or a selfish act – it is a necessity for simple survival when you are a parent.

I would remind myself that I am not trying to be my child’s best friend.  In fact, I think it would be delusional of me to try to go through my parenting life without making my children angry at me.  It would be downright parenting suicide to think that I could always make them happy and that this would be a solution to all of our troubles.  I think I was wise enough to recognize that by giving in to tantrums, I would be creating a monster.  In actual fact, I would probably become a monster, too, out of pure frustration.

So, if your child throws tantrums – Go ahead and buy peace.  Give in to the tantrums.  Win the grateful looks of other shoppers.  But know that when that child becomes a teenager you just may have your work cut out for you.  For me, I just think the price is way too high.

5 Kids. 1 Dad. 10 Hours.

09 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by in The Dad Factor

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5 Kids. 1 Dad. 10 Hours.  And it’s going to rain…

That is the recipe (for disaster??) at my house this Saturday.

I don’t know if I want to laugh, brag or worry.  Look what MY husband can do…

Looking to repay a favour to a friend, I offered OUR help watching her 3 kids, afterwards to realize that my schedule interfered and it became an offer of Dean’s help.  I know he is up to the task, but 10 hours indoors with 3 boys and 2 girls under the age of 9? It’s a big one.

I remember how it was when I started my practice part-time, and Ethan was 5 months old.  While I met some amazing parent-duty-sharing families,  I was reminded frequently to be grateful that I had a husband who could pull his weight in watching our kids, cooking meals and taking care of the house. Being in a very Italian-influenced area, the comments I heard when women learned that my husband was home watching our infant son ranged from:

Incredulous: “How’s he going to know what to do?” OR “You trust him to take care of a baby?!” OR “How on earth did you convince him to do THAT?”

Concerned: “Aren’t you worried?”

Envious: “My husband takes our kids to his mom’s if I leave for more than 30 minutes.”  OR “My husband has never cooked or cleaned in his life.” OR “Get my husband to change a diaper?!  I don’t think so.”

To which I thought: “I wouldn’t marry someone who couldn’t look after his own child.  He’s not a babysitter – he’s a dad.”

I just learned early on that the REAL recipe for disaster would be to expect him to do everything the same way that I would.

So tomorrow, other than making sure there is food in the house to feed the little monsters, I’m leaving him to his own devices.  I won’t expect the house to be spotless, and I won’t expect dinner to be waiting on the table when I get home.  (in fairness, little difference than if it were me at home)

I expect I’ll be able to guess what they did and what they ate by the clues left around the house.   I expect there will be areas that look like mini-hurricanes have blown through.   I won’t be surprised if our Hallowe’en haunted house in the basement gets transformed into a room-wide fort (not like I’ve found the time to wash the dozen sheets involved anyways)  My kitchen table will likely be covered with every craft supply we own.  Toys that have been long-neglected will likely be out and about.  And I have no doubt that a movie will have been watched (though as Dean pointed out, that’s only 2 hours of the 10…)

What I DO know is that the kids will have fun, they’ll be safe, and they’ll be happy.

On my end, I’ll make sure Dean gets acknowledged for being the Super-Dad that he is.  (Get him a super-hero cape?  Make a bumper sticker: I survived 10 hours with 5 kids??)

No, it seems to me that a super-parenting feat like this deserves the ultimate (and ironic) parenting reward:  a night out without kids.   (I sure hope our sitter is free!) 

By then, the potential shell-shock will likely have worn off.