Tag Archives: Self love

The Un-Hollywood Definition of Beauty

29 Wednesday Jan 2014

Posted by in Creating Health, Crossfit, Musings of a Manic Mama, Women Empowered

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I am turning 38 this week.  And while I admit to having my own areas of vanity and self-consciousness, I don’t think I have the same degree of hang-ups with my age as many women. Nor do I have any hang-ups with my body shape or size (anymore).  It actually floors me to realize that at some point in time in the past decade, I learned to fully and completely accept myself.  Flaws and all.

When I was a teenager, I was painfully self-aware and sincerely disliked my body.  I wanted to be perfect.  My journal was filled with lamenting about stretch marks from growth spurts, disgust at cellulite, and the frustration of having short, thick ‘soccer’ legs.  I would run, train, leg lift and more in the attempts to come to terms with the body I had.  I actually think that one of the reasons I kept my journals from that young age was so that if I ever had a daughter of my own, I’d remember what it felt like to want to change the body I had.

Now that I am a mom with two young kids, I find myself checking in with them often about how they feel about themselves.  So far, their comments reinforce to me that they have a higher degree of self-love and self-acceptance than what I did.  But I wasn’t aware of those aspects of myself until the teen years, so I guess a part of me may still be holding my breath, and hoping that we’ve done a good job in teaching our kids those same lessons that I have learned over the course of my adult years:

“I am enough”

“I don’t have to be perfect”

“I am grateful for what I have”

“I am grateful for who I am”

“I love myself”

“I am worthy of love”

Or as Audra has stated, “I’m grateful for being myself.”  YES.

I think that time has allowed me to mature, see value in myself in ways I didn’t when I was younger, and to learn to be compassionate with myself.  As a recovering perfectionist, this process has been several decades in the making.

When I look in the mirror, I can’t miss seeing the fine lines around my eyes – even when I’m not smiling.  I sometimes wonder what magic cream I can find to delay the onset.  Wrinkles are not something I was planning on having to deal with.  I see the scraggly grey hairs that are beginning to crop up on my head, and I content myself with plucking them out – while wondering if I’ll ever let myself go grey.  I find myself plucking facial hairs almost every night – this is just not something I had to do in the past.

I realize that I could be at risk for allowing my earlier obsession with wanting a perfect body to transfer into a new obsession to want to look young forever.  I laugh at the fact that I’ve been asked for ID when purchasing alcohol several times in the last few years…  but in retrospect, I guess the funny part of it is that I know that there really isn’t any way of me passing for 25, let alone 19.  I wonder if the LCBO knew they might get more repeat female customers by having a quota to ID women who are in their 30’s (even when they know that they are indeed old enough).  Hmmm…

I guess it comes down to the fact that I have to learn to accept that time is going to pass and that my face and my body will change.  And even more importantly, that neither of these attributes defines who I am.

Image

Just to prove it to myself – I took this picture on a whim: post-workout, un-showered, no makeup – I didn’t even have my hair brushed.  (I’m not too sure about doing the same in a bathing suit though!)

Maybe I do only have a few years left to feel that I can pull off a bikini … OR I could choose to accept that how I look in one will continue to evolve.  AND that maybe it’s my perception of myself that will allow this to happen.  Maybe my time of passing for a twenty-something has passed – but the reality is that I wouldn’t trade the experience and wisdom time has given me simply to look a certain way or a certain age.

The fact is that I DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT.

Who set those standards, anyways?!

Everyone ages.  Everyone wrinkles.  Time changes us.

The images we see in the media are simply not reality: most are photo-shopped, as I’m sure many of you have seen in recent videos that have been floating around the internet.  And while I was never aware of trying to emulate them, obviously I have still been influenced.

So I am defining my beauty in an un-Hollywood way.

Why should I care what others think of me when it is my own self love that allows me to shine and bring the best of who I am to the world?

I am embracing my age, loving the experience and wisdom that time has given me.

I am remembering that my body created, supported and nurtured two lives.  In my children, I see the two most beautiful, natural works-of-art I have ever witnessed.  How could I ever do anything BUT love the body and the woman who gave birth to them?!

I am working on loving my imperfections.  They are not me.

I AM much more than how I look.

I choose to focus my attention on who I am being each day.  I focus on how strong my body has become, celebrating that at age 38, I am in the best shape of my life.  I can lift heavier, go faster, and learn new things that I could not do a short two years ago.  I appreciate that I have a husband who finds me beautiful and sexy –  who tells me so every day – and who supports me in every challenge I face through his certainty that I am fully capable in every thing I do.  In these ways and more, Dean has been a key player for me in becoming happy with who I am.

I focus on having great energy, on being able to play full-out with my kids, and for being able to go about my busy life without the constant fear of falling short. I am inspired by the women around me who are older – whether by years or decades – and who continue to push their limits constantly – whether that be in fitness, career, learning or making a difference in this world.

I am inspired by the women who have gone before me – who have been pillars of strength, independence and intelligence, and many times ‘ahead of their time’ (like my MOM and my NANNY).

I look at all the women around me every day – in my practice, in my friends, in the women I work out with, and in my community –  and see how beautiful they are in so many ways.  Loving, nurturing, giving, strong, confident, courageous – and unique.  I see the beauty that lies inside and out and marvel at the wondrous variety that exists.

I see that the world is one of beauty, no matter who the beholder may be.  

And that is not a definition that can be put into a picture – even if it were photo-shopped.

You ARE beautiful.  Trust me.

Sometimes being a working mom can really suck.

14 Friday Jun 2013

Posted by in A Working Mom

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Sometimes being a working mom just really sucks.  You have so many roles to fill that you don’t know where to turn. You have duties to fulfill, perhaps staff to oversee, or a business to run.  And while those things plague you by necessity, when you get home, you may realize that:  The dishes are in the sink.  The laundry hamper is overflowing.  Your kids need haircuts – not to mention showers (or baths if they are younger).  The house is in a state of chaos.  And although this all beckons loudly, as a working mom, sometimes these simple things don’t even hit the radar.  It’s like your brain filters things out based on priority, changing every given day.

I don’t know what it’s like to be in practice without having the responsibilities of young kids at home.  I don’t know what it’s like to have only one or two focuses in my life.  Since graduating chiropractic college, my focuses have been a constant mix of growing a business, growing and learning for myself, taking courses, public speaking, community involvement, networking, writing, helping people in my practice.. and being a mom.  All of which are huge undertakings.

And I wonder – how can a simple three-letter word contain so much?  ‘Mom’ on its own must symbolize at least dozens of different roles and responsibilities.  But ‘Working Mom’ is a whole new ball game.

I am a working mom.  And most days it probably looks like I’ve got my stuff together.  But so many of those days – despite being one myself – I ask myself: “How do working moms do it all?!”

Here is the reality for me: My life is most centered on my kids.  They are the center of my world.  And yet… I am a working mom.  And I am a mom who LOVES my work.

I run a business – and one that I have come to be very proud of.  And yet.  There have been days that I wonder, “Am I really making a difference?”  “Would ANYONE notice if I just stopped doing what I’m doing?”

All of this countered with the ‘mommy’ voice that asks: “Why can’t I get it all done?”  “Does anyone else find it hard to juggle so much?”  “Why is this so exhausting?”  and “Am I missing something here?”  “Why does everyone else make it look so easy?”

My thoughts today were stimulated not so much from challenges I am personally having at this time (although maybe that’s just a part of daily life I have become accustomed to).  Instead, it is coming on the tails of a friend’s cry for help.  A cry that rang so heart-breakingly true to the same kind of moments I have had so many times in the past.

I think that being a mom is the hardest job on the earth – and the most important.  I love (LOVE) my work as a chiropractor, and revel in the growth and challenge that running my own business entails.  But some days it is just a little overwhelming.  Some days I wonder: “Would I be a better mom if I were home full time?”  Or even worse: “Does it show when I don’t have my %^& together?”

But really, at the core of it all, I think that we have to face the truth.  Whatever that truth is for YOU.  I believe that I am a better mom because of the balance I have found over the years between my chiropractor/business owner side and my mommy-ness.  And I willingly admit that it is lightyears easier on this side of toddlerhood.

But when I hear the challenges and heartbreak coming from friends and colleagues and practice members – powerful, inspiring, amazing women – who are doubting themselves,  my heart goes out to them.

YOU are the best expert on what you need, what serves your family best, matches your values and fits with the life you want to create for yourself.

Maybe during these times it simply helps to know that moms everywhere struggle sometimes.  This job as a mom is one thing we just don’t want to mess up.  Nor do we want our working-selves to be less-than-stellar.

And so I’ll offer a perspective that has helped me in the past:  Approach yourself in these moments like you would if it were your child who was hurting, feeling low, or full of self-doubt.  What would you say?  What would you do?  And maybe – just maybe – from that place as a compassionate, wise, and loving mother – you will find a way to be gentle on yourself as well.

“Grateful to be Me”

19 Friday Apr 2013

Posted by in Raising Independent Thinkers, Thinking by Design, Women Empowered

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For the last two nights tucking Audra into bed, as a part of our night time ritual, I asked her what she was grateful for.  Without hesitation, she looked at me and said, “I’m grateful for being me.”  It stopped me in my tracks, heart swelling.  “That just might be one of my favourite things you’ve ever said you’re grateful for”, I replied.  “Loving yourself is so important.”  To which she replied, “But of course I love myself, mommy!”

Self love.  It all starts there.  Wow.

When I witness my kids expressing positive feelings about themselves it gives me great joy.   Perhaps it is knowing how essential it is to start with ourselves – that the degree of respect, confidence, love or assertiveness we have in our lives starts with our own self esteem.  So I guess it make sense that my heart soars when I see or hear evidence of that being well nurtured in my kids.

Truth be told, working with a lot of people, I think often of all the ways we limit ourselves, play small, or focus on our faults rather than our strengths.  And I’ve been guilty of it, too.  But seeing how self love translates into every area of our life, I consider it one of my greatest jobs as a mom to foster healthy self esteem in my kids.  Life will throw plenty of challenges their way, I am sure.  I want them to be able to stand strong, know and love themselves, and be their best – even when the going gets tough.  Especially when the going gets tough.

Being a mom to a little girl, I am very conscious of the messages I send her.  I’d have to put her in a bubble to avoid the messages that are sent to little girls by media and society – and the enormous emphasis that is placed on appearance, beauty and fitting an ideal.  It’s sadly evident in many girls’ toys, dolls, shows, and movies – it’s everywhere.  We embrace the positive female portrayals wherever we can find them (like her recent love of Zena, Warrior Princess.  When I asked her why she loves it so much, she said:  “She’s brave and strong and helps people.  Nobody beats her.  And she’s pretty.”)  While we may limit poor influences when we can, we feel that it is more important to teach her about true beauty.

We try to teach her to focus on inner beauty before outward appearance.  We want her to love herself enough to choose good friends, make good decisions, and to have the courage to try new things.  We want her to go through life with awareness, confidence and a deep inner knowing of her own strengths and abilities.  We want her to dream big, with no limits and know that she can do and be anything.

And it all starts with loving herself.   There is no stronger foundation.

One Day at a Time

16 Wednesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Life Lessons

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The other night, I had a surprising conversation with Ethan as I was tucking him into bed.  After some hesitation, he looked at me and said: “Mom, I am a bully.”

I caught my first reaction, which was to deny that possibility. That can’t be true.  Ethan has one of the biggest hearts I have ever witnessed.  He is so perceptive and thoughtful.  He must be making this up.

Putting my own reaction on hold, I asked, “In what way are you a bully?” And he went on to tell me how he was not very nice to some of his classmates, would find himself saying things that hurt their feelings, and had taken pencils and erasers from them.  He had never hurt anyone physically, and had never gotten in trouble at school for it.  He then cried over telling lies, and how he can’t seem to stop.  And he finished this unexpected rant upset about being mean to his sister when he could see how it hurt her feelings.

And the truth is, I had no way of knowing if he was exaggerating any of this, being overly dramatic, nor could I determine how much of the time he was noticing himself being a bully.   Regardless, we have always taught our kids that being kind is one of the things that we expect of them.

I realized a few things:

1 – I could not change his perception of this situation

2 – I couldn’t change anything he had said or done in the past

3 – I could only help him to make better choices from this point onwards

I saw my role as one of loving him through it, and helping him understand himself enough so that he could make the changes required. We talked about ways of making it right to his classmates, giving apologies, and returning any items to their rightful owners.

And then I reminded him of a conversation we had had years ago.  At the time, he was almost four, and was very confused as to why anyone would ever hurt anyone in any way, especially on purpose.  We explained to him that in our opinion, anyone who bullied another person was really doing it because of being unhappy themselves.  I remember him looking to be deep in 4-year-old thought, after which he looked at me to say: “Mom, do you mean that bullies have forgotten that they have love in their hearts?”  And to my way of understanding, that is exactly what is at the root of the problem.

Flashing forward 5 years to our present-day conversation, I reminded him of that concept.  And I asked him, “Ethan, how do you feel about yourself right now?”  To which he tearfully replied: “I don’t like myself very much right now.”

After a teary hug, I looked him in the eyes and asked him if he was ready to change.  “I don’t know how, Mom.  I don’t mean to be mean, but sometimes I just say things.  And I don’t mean to lie, but I feel like I’ve been doing it for so long that I don’t know how to stop.

“Ok,” I said.  “But do you think that you could be kind for just one day?”  “Of course,” he replied.  “Do you think that for just one day, you could pause every time you are about to say something to ask yourself: Is this kind?”  “”Sure!” he said.

So this is what I suggested he do:

Upon waking every morning, he says to himself:  Today I will be kind.  Today I will be honest.  And when he goes to bed at night, he asks himself: Was I kind today?  Was I honest today?

He answered this suggestion with a true Ethan-smile, and told me that he could do that, easily.  See, I knew that if I tried to get him to agree to stop these behaviours entirely (that he was admitting to, but not taking full responsibility for) he would say he couldn’t do it.  But for one day?  I mean, really, is there anything that you couldn’t do for just one day?

Yesterday was his “first day” of this experiment.  And last night, he was happy to report that he did indeed spend the day being kind and honest.  Today he is reporting the same (along with his admission to having exaggerated somewhat)  I am relieved to see his usual, happy face, and to watch him being a kind and thoughtful brother (although I know that their sibling moments will still vary from touching to nerve-wracking)

And I am left thinking that perhaps we could all re-think some of our own challenges with this same mentality.  I think I could do anything for one day.  So on my part, I’m giving some thought to some things I find hard to do, and I’m going to start changing them… one day at a time.